How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
