Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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