people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize