Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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