Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
