You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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