Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
