I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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