i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
