Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
