The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
