were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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