if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
