Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
