My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
