i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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