I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
