What a fucking waste of an outfit
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
