May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
