Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
this just has baby written all over it
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
