Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
