How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
