i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
