atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
