First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
