Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
