Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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