Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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