I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
