I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
