my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
