i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
