I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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