His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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