I hope mine doesn't look like that
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
