Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
