I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
