Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Randomize
