I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
