Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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