Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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