My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
