You just made me feel so damn special
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
