i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
