I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
