explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
