I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
