You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
