everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
