I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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