So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
