someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
